Oh S@#$! was all Ren could think. The bed was rumbling, no that doesn't sound right, the bed was most likely to be having a spasm of some sort. Ren heard screaming coming from three places, the bed, the bunk on top of the bed, and about everywhere else. She sat up, startled by the uproar. Then she screamed as well.

There was Kristine, sitting on top of Ren's feet, staring wide-eyed at the door. Ren's eyebrows furrowed. Danica leanded down from the top bunk with the same expression on her face. The other girls in the dorm were still screaming. It hurt Ren's ears.

"Shut Up! It's just Kristine!" She yelled at the others. They exchanged their spasms of fear for scowls. Vicky Cotlin was the first of the other girls to regain her voice.

"WHAT THE @#@$$%%# WAS THAT FOR?" She screamed at Kristine. "DO YOU JUST LIKE WAKING US UP?! ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL A STUPID PRANK ON US?!" screamed was an understatement more like exploded. Ren hated Vicky. She didn't even know why Vicky was sorted into Gryffindor. Vicky was always on their case. Vicky's dad was also in league with Voldemort for the time from Harry Potter's witness of the rise of Voldemort to the death of Voldemort.

"I'm sure that Kristine had a very good reason to scream at-um- whatever she screamed at. Thank you very much Vicky!" Ren said in utter distaste. Then she turned to Kristine. "Now, what scared you so bad that you had to hop on me?"

Kristine shivered, "I don't know, it was like a ghost, but I couldn't see through it. It was standing in the middle of the room and then it started walking over to you. I was scared, so I jumped on top of you and screamed. The thing ran away once it heard me." she explained shakily. Danica and Vicky frowned.

"That's impossible. You're making this up just to scare us, I know it." Vicky accused. See why they hate her?

"Shut up, Vicky." Ren breathed dangerously. It didn't take much for Vicky to tick her off.

"But, it isn't a ghost, I think you saw an inferius, Kristine." Danica said with nothing but concern. Vicky looked pale.

"What's a inferius?" Ren asked. She was a Half-breed raised by a muggle mother all her life so she hasn't heard of many of the different wizarding terms.

"'An Inferius is the dead body of a human reanimated by a Dark wizard. They have no free will, and cannot think; their purpose is merely to serve as puppets of the Dark wizard.'" Danica read from her book. Something is definantly good about having a bookworm for a friend. Vicky looked like she was going to be sick. What was her problem?

"Well, how can we find out who sent the inferius?" Ren asked.

"We have to catch it and hex the body." Danica said with her nose in the book.

"Which hex?"

"erus appello orior." Danica said in a bored tone, never looking up from the book.

"Okay, everybody, pretend to go back to sleep and when the inferius appears again we throw a bnding spell at it. Then we'll see who sent the inferius after me." Ren explained. Vicky went from pale to a lovely shade of green. All the girls nodded except for Vicky.

"Or, or we could go back to sleep and pretend this never happened." Vicky stuttered.

"Oh, Vicky, you should know that if you even try to mess with Ren then she never gives up on catching you or pranking you back." Kristine giggled. Not a care-free giggle, an evil I-know-what-you-did giggle. She did. Then she beconed Ren towards her and whispered someting in Ren's ear. Ren did the same to Danica with a large grin in place. Danica then just smiled smugly. "Okay, you heard Ren, pretend to be asleep to catch the inferius." Kristine ordered the girls that somhow were at the foot of Ren's bed. They scurried to their beds without a word. Even Vicky.

It didn't take long for the inferius to arrive. it stood for a moment as every girl stirred to get a better look. Good thing inferi were not that smart. The inferius walked towards Ren's bed and reached for her. Within an instant, Ren cast the binding spell on the unsuspecting beast (at least we think it's a beast). it fell screaming. Danica jumped down from her bunk.

"erus appello orior." Ren said, emotionless, with her wand pointed at the inferius.

Everyone in the room, except Ren, Kristine, Danica, and Vicky, looked surprised at the name that floated above the inferius. 'Harmon Cotlin' otherwise known as Vicky's dad.

"Now, who does that remind us of?" Danica playfully questioned.

"You are not good at sneaking, Vicky. We saw that you were a little 'sick' at the sound of inferius tonight. Yet yesterday you were bragging that your dad knew how to make them. You sent one after me. You begged your dad to make one for you, to set it on me, I'm surprised you are even a Gryffindor." Ren spat the last words.

"S-S-so, A-are y-you g-g-going to tell on me?" Vicky tried to laugh but failed to even shake Ren.

"No, but if you want to keep my mouth shut then you simply must be my slave for a week. Doing everything I tell you to without hesitation or question." Ren smiled. Danica and Kristine giggled in the background. Vicky gulped. Ren motioned her forward. "and also I don't like being prey for pranks. I hope you learned that." she whispered for only Vicky to hear. She paled again. Ren smiled, then went back to sleep.

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Ratings and Comments

#1Catriona Watson's AvatarCatriona Watson (rated this 5)

Good try.

#2Roseanna Wolfe's AvatarRoseanna Wolfe (rated this 4)

It was a nice atttempt but not very good for the implied swearing. I couldn't really follow it though.

#3Pat Griffin's AvatarPat Griffin (rated this 5)

Well, I'm afraid I have to agree with the majority here.

It was very hard to follow the plot in the beginning. Once you got it it was ok but all in all it went too fast and there remain lots of questions like: How did they know that it was an inferius? Why would a student's dad (no matter hoe evil he might be) be so stupid and send an inferius after another student just because his daughter begged him to? How did they make the inferius go away?

You could also have replaced this swearing with more socially acceptable phrases like 'What the heck!' or something.

The ending was a bit strange. How did they destroy the inferius? Besides that girl and/or her dad should have been punished officially, shouldn't they? It's all a bit unrealistic.

Nevertheless, you wrote quite a lot. And after all it's a nice effort.

#4Sophie Delacour's AvatarSophie Delacour (rated this 4)

I didn't care for the story that much. I thought it was too unrealistic. I doubt a dark wizard would create an inferius for his daughter just so she could pull a prank. I also thought the swearing, even though it was edited was inappropriate for HOL.

#5Jinxy Jo's AvatarJinxy Jo (rated this 7)

It lacks some structure and I'm not too keen on the swearing, even if it is edited out by signs. Good try though :D

#6Gabby Morgan's AvatarGabby Morgan (rated this 4)

I didn't enjoy this because of the completely unrealistic plot.

#7Marguerite Davenport's AvatarMarguerite Davenport (rated this 4)

Though you used signs I still think the intent of the language is not appropriate for a G rating. Other wise I think it's fantastic.

#8Bere Lee's AvatarBere Lee (rated this 8)

nice story I like it a lot, but I agree with what DominicK Fisher said, it was so suddenly the other girl knew about what was it(the inferius) exactly. More story line to it would have made it better, but good job. keep it up :)
you have good spelling, grammar and imagination to it :)

#9Jessica Miranda Jodoin's AvatarJessica Miranda Jodoin (rated this 5)

The story was alright, it just, didn't quite flow as well as it could have. I did spot a few typos, and the little thing to eliminate the bad word we all saw coming was un nessicary, you should have tried something a little more child friendly because let's face it, we all know what you were implying

#10Ramona Operandi's AvatarRamona Operandi (rated this 7)

Eh, I did like it~ It showed a lot of potential, however, the swearing (or implied swearing) was a bit too much for the possible age range of the site, I think. Personally, I don't mind, as it adds a sense of reality to it, but you know.
I enjoyed the plot though, it was an entertaining story!

#11Ashlee Sully's AvatarAshlee Sully (rated this 5)

The concept of the story is good but the execution could have been better. The story didn't flow very well and I was a little confused about what was happening. I think it would have been better if you went into more detail when describing what was happening. I didn't like the implied swearing.

#12Zoki Phantom's AvatarZoki Phantom (rated this 6)

Nice effort I must say.

Sadly, it's a bit confusing, it just doesn't flow that well, I'm not -that- fond of the idea, and most of all I didn't like the bad language at all.
I know it's edited, but when you read it you still get the idea of it.
You could have just used some other words that could express those emotions.

#13Dominick Fisher's AvatarDominick Fisher (rated this 7)

Hmm.

It's not bad - unfortunately, I found the flow of the story to be a tad abrupt. In some paragraphs I was reading, I was like "yep, yep". Then when I went onto the next paragraph, I was left hanging - I didn't understand how it went from *point A* to *point B*.

For instance; when the inferius first showed up, the girl (Kristine) first thought it was a ghost - but then suddenly, the other one (Danica) corrected her saying that it was not a ghost, but an inferius. How? How did she know - barely any information was given about what was seen (she thought it was a ghost, but couldn't see through it) and no one else saw it.

It could have easily been another student, professor; anything. Perhaps if it were explained further how Danica knew what it was, or even just a connecting paragraph to connect the two ideas together would help the story flow more easily.

There were a few other paragraphs similar to the above, but I feel that the one I mentioned was the most important.

It's not all negative, though - the opposite. I rather like the story; it shows promise and an imaginative mind. I feel that it just needed a bit more work to make it easier to read, and a cleaner structure behind the story.

Other than that; good work. :)

#14Jenna Hathaway's AvatarJenna Hathaway (rated this 6)

A bit confusing at the beginning, and how did the girls manage to quickly conclude it was an Inferi without ever seeing it? The whole thing sounds a bit unrealistic to me; it's like they deal with Inferi everyday when they're actually really dangerous creatures. Nice job on the story writing itself though!

#15Adeliene Cromwell's AvatarAdeliene Cromwell (rated this 4)

Even though you edited the language, it is still not appropriate or G-rated. That alone turned me off to your story. I also found your story to be a little to out there- a dad creating an inferius just to let his daughter play with it? Too dark.

Bits of the story were good, but for the most part, it jumps around too much for me.

#16Sarah Evans's AvatarSarah Evans (rated this 7)

I don't like the swearing, and I don't think that there'd be an inferius at Hogwarts. But it's okay overall.

#17Ellie Peters's AvatarEllie Peters (rated this 6)

this was not one of my favourite stories. I feel the implied swearing was unnecessary and a little inappropriate. The plot was okay. I liked how you had to curse the inferius to find out who sent it. that was cool, but other than that it was a little confusing especially all the names thrown at you. I agree that Vicky should have had a little worse punishment, like being a slave for a year or something. It was a pretty nasty parnk and a week's worth of being a slave isn't that bad of a punishment in my opinion. good job though!

#18Sophie Orion's AvatarSophie Orion (rated this 6)

While jumping right into a story with no introduction sometimes works out, with this one I would have liked some sort of preamble. The characters names get thrown in all at once, and it's very hard to remember a long list of names. Also... the use of cursing, even if it's only implied through symbols, seems rather inappropriate for this submission. HOWEVER, you did have a nice plot, it just needs to be tweaked a bit. :)

#19Zaryia Ashrah's AvatarZaryia Ashrah (rated this 5)

the basis of the story was good..I liked it, but it needed something..I guess structure. Quite a few typos also. I enjoyed reading it, but I would have made Vicky my slave for a lot longer for this prank tho!!!

#20Twilight Hodges's AvatarTwilight Hodges (rated this 7)

I like the idea of the story but doubt that an inferi can be at Hogwarts without permission of the Headmaster. This comment aside, I think you have the idea of a good story. I also do not agree with the cursing as if you remember in Hogwarts such is not aloud, and here at HOL either, there are many ways to express yourself in a more refined way that is suitable for younger years. All you need to do now is like others have commented above is to put some structure into the story so anyone, cannot only read it but understand what is going on.

#21Marcie Hobber's AvatarMarcie Hobber (rated this 5)

I think the story has potential, but I feel that it could have been a bit more structured. Also, instead of inserting symbols that represent swearing, you should be able to come up with proper, g-rated words that could express excitement/shock/fear just as well as swear-words.

#22Yavanna Basham's AvatarYavanna Basham (rated this 8)

It's good, but it really doesn't seem plausible that an inferius
would be in Hogwarts.

I know stranger things have happened here, (like this "Napper" person.) LOL

But, it is still an interesting story, so I just had to give you an 8. :)

(But next time, watch the profanity!)

#23Harmanjit Kaur's AvatarHarmanjit Kaur (rated this 6)

It was pretty well structured, but I also think that the curses are unsitable for the younger audiences.

#24Eno Thomas's AvatarEno Thomas (rated this 5)

In fact this is the only story I didn't like. It is too weird for me and it doesn't have the basic part, the structure. Try harder next time before to put a work here. As i see this is the first work posted here, you should have worked more with this story and maybe it should have been nicer to read.

#25Tara Little's AvatarTara Little (rated this 7)

Good story. I like the way you describe their expressions often.

#26Ardeliah Longbottom's AvatarArdeliah Longbottom (rated this 7)

It is a nice story, the cursing is believable because kids do that when there are no parents around but for HOL it is not such a good thing. Alternative words would have been better.

The flow of the story isn't quite as smooth as it could be and I had a little problem with believing that the girls father would make such a dangerous creation for his daughter to 'play' with. Other than that it was very engaging.

#27Holly Muse's AvatarHolly Muse (rated this 6)

It's not very well structured. I like the ideas, but i would take out the swearing, even though you block it over you should find alternatives.

#28Sam Clause's AvatarSam Clause (rated this 8)

I liked the story and it kept me entertained.I really liked the plot and I knew from the begining that it was vicky or her dad.

#29Noa Green's AvatarNoa Green (rated this 7)

It is a good story

but I also miss a good structure in it, the story gives me the impression that you wanted to put to much in it

I needs a better introduction and do not swear in a tale young people must read, that is inappropriate

#30Fleur Gayle's AvatarFleur Gayle (rated this 3)

sorry but this is very bad for me

I lack a good introduction, this story missed stucture and why do you use so many curses in this story, remember younger people will have to read this and this is no reading material for them

I really believe that you have work on this story but next time structurize it a bit more, like Rowan said

introduction
corpus
ending

greetings

#31Rowan Dream's AvatarRowan Dream (rated this 7)

he, writer

This is is a good story but it "jumpes" to much arround, it misses structure and you introduce the persons in it in a very poor way, the next time you write something try to build it a bit up.
like this:
introduction: you tell witch who the people are in the room and where there are ( a good introduction is the key to a good story :p )
corpus: the inferius is in the room and is scaring the people, build up some scary scene ( you need to write as you are in that very room )
ending: the inferius wins or is overtrow by the witches in your room
That is what I miss in this story.

But not to worry it is a fine story just needs some structure