As Olivia Carter picked the mask up she said, "How strange to disappear like that." She tried it on. She wanted to show her friend Hermione Miranda. Olivia traveled to her house. "Hi Herms!", "Hello, who is there?", Hermione asked. " Hermione, it's me Olivia.", Olivia said. Hermione called out, "Where are you?" "I am right in front of you.", Olivia said. "Are you wearing the concealing charm?", Hermione asked. Olivia said," No I'm wearing this mask, why can't you see me?" "I don't know." Olivia began to get scared. "I have to get this off!" Olivia took the mask off. "Oh, there you are!", Hermione said." This mask is very strange.", Olivia said. "You don't say.", Hermione said sarcastically. This is also very cool! Olivia thought. " Where did you get it?" ,Hermione inturrupted Olivia's thoughts. "Some lady bumped me and dropped it, I tried to return it but, she had disappeared. Do you think it was a gypsy or something?" "Probably." Hermione replied. Pat Griffin came over and asked, " Are you talking about Chelsea, the gypsy?" "We don't know who the gypsy is.", Olivia answered. "I'll take it to her and ask if it is hers, if you want me to.", Pat replied. "Maybe we should go with you.", Hermione said."It's settled, we'll go see this Chelsea.", Olivia said. " I have to warn you, she lives in Maine.", Pat said quietly. "No big deal.", said Hermione. They had finally reached Chelsea's shop. "Hello, Chelsea, nice to see you again.", Pat said to the woman at the check out stand. "Nice to see you too, Pat, and who are these nice children, oh wait don't tell me. As far as I can tell the young woman in the yellow is Olivia Carter, and the other girl in the pink is the famous Hermione Miranda.", Chelsea said. " Wow, you're a physic?!", Olivia yelled. "Yes of course, many gypsy's are physic. Anyway, what do you need, a costume, some items for potions?", the old woman said. "No we just wanted to ask if this is your's.", Hermione asked, " My mask, I missed it so much. I thought I lost it! Oh, thank you!" "Hey, no problem."

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Ratings and Comments

#1Amelia Hart's AvatarAmelia Hart (rated this 5)

As a story, it did not excite me. Also, it's grammatical errors throughout made me put off.

#2Electra Walker's AvatarElectra Walker (rated this 4)

The way you organized this makes it very hard to read, as others pointed out. I also find that the dialogue gets repetitive, with all the "said". Also,"gypsy" is a racial slur. Romani is a more correct term. You could've developed more on the story. I find that you kept it on a very basic level.

#3Silas DelArmand's AvatarSilas DelArmand (rated this 4)

I noticed a few spelling errors but nothing that prevented me from understanding the story. As others have said, breaking it up into paragraphs would make it a lot easier on the eyes. As for the content of the story itself, it feels incomplete. There's no real conflict or obstacle present.

Anyway, that's just my two cents :)

#4Layten Reeves's AvatarLayten Reeves (rated this 6)

Pretty good, but it could be better. And it was kind of hard to make sense of. A splash of adventure and a dash more fo mystery would be nice!

#5Emily Horan's AvatarEmily Horan (rated this 6)

It was a good story, but a bit rushed. Perhaps going into a little more detail and explaining things a little more could help. I did like the idea!

#6Ember Starsong's AvatarEmber Starsong (rated this 5)

Good job. I was definitely interesting, but I found the layout extremely difficult to read. I liked that you added in lots of dialogue... Keep up the good work!

#7Dracona Gorbash's AvatarDracona Gorbash (rated this 5)

Had a hard time reading the story. Maybe try putting it into paragraphs? I live the general idea of the story.

#8Kiri Redbird's AvatarKiri Redbird (rated this 6)

It was a very good story, but the organization made it difficult to read.

#9Nymph Hara's AvatarNymph Hara (rated this 5)

I liked that there was a lot of dialogue, but it could have been spaced out so it was easier to understand. The story line was cool.

#10February Fortescue's AvatarFebruary Fortescue (rated this 6)

Not bad - interesting story. The gypsy was a nice plus, and I liked how you ended it. I think it might have been better with paragraphs, though.

#11Ada Pepperstone's AvatarAda Pepperstone (rated this 6)

I liked the story, but it wasn't formatted correctly as far as paragraphs and the ending was anti-climatic. Try to add more twists and adventures next time!

#12Alice Dove's AvatarAlice Dove (rated this 7)

An interesting story but difficult to read. Maybe try spacing ou the paragraphs to make it an easier read. The ending was a bit anti-climactic but still a good read.

#13Ariana Wilson's AvatarAriana Wilson (rated this 6)

Interesting but confusing to read. Still a lot of scope.

#14Ariella McManus's AvatarAriella McManus (rated this 5)

It was a nice story, but the mask was never really described and the story itself seemed to jump from point-to-point quite a bit. Also, as someone mentioned, maybe next time try not to make it one big paragraph. I do like the fact that you took the time to integrate so many characters into it, though.

#15Cecil Mandrake's AvatarCecil Mandrake (rated this 6)

Orginal idea, I liked the fact that you had a large number of characters in it. However, the mask wasn't really well described and the plot seemed a bit jumpy. If you expanded the idea then it would make a really good story.

#16Lynete Vanderbuilt's AvatarLynete Vanderbuilt (rated this 7)

It is a big confusing to read, because it is all one big lump with no paragraphs. Otherwise, it is very interesting with the involvement of a gypsy, but the end is a bit dull for my taste. I think it would be perfect it if it were a bit longer with more twists.

#17Janie Peterson's AvatarJanie Peterson (rated this 5)

The ending was kind of anti-climatic but overall, I enjoyed reading it. :)

#18Zachary Jameson's AvatarZachary Jameson (rated this 7)

I like the story, but the powers of the mask wasn't truly explained except for her friend could not see her.